


A garbage fire of a fic

by TotallyNOTsatan666



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017), Riverdale (TV 2017) RPF
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-16 18:58:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16500926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotallyNOTsatan666/pseuds/TotallyNOTsatan666
Summary: Kevins a f*cking wreck. Joaquin wants to help but has no clue how. And Kevin's given up on himself





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: ANOREXIA, BULIMIA, I'll add more if needed. I highly suggest reading something else because this is just me trying to feel less alone in all the f*ck up stuff I do, I am not trying to romanticize any of this, this has destroyed me and most things i care about. Writing helps me deal with all these things and don't I encourage any of this behavior. Please take care of yourselves, loves.

Hello! This isn't part of the story, just vocabulary you might not know ED: eating disorder Thinspo: insperation that people with eating disorders typically use to inspire them to stay motivated and not binge (A) Ana/rexie: an anorexic(2/3 of which are not underweight) (A) mia: a bulimic Anorexia: a eating disorder in which the person eats too little, has an intense fear of calories/gaining weight and/or obsesses over food in a unhealthy manner Bulimia: an eating disorder in which some one eats alot in a short amount of time followed by extrem guilt and forcing yourself to throw up(purging) ProAna/ProED/ProMia: a tag popularized by tumblr ED blogs where people encorage, talk about, their eating disorder also share what they ate(meal plans), photos of there weight loss(body checks), low calorie recipes, and fasting/restricting tricks Mia(when used as a person): an imaginary embodiment of the bulimia voices in a mia's head Ana(when used as a person): an imaginary embodiment of the anorexic voices in a ana's head I DO NOT PROMOTE EATING DISORDERS. I'M a mia and ana and it's f*cking hell. If you don't have and eating disorder don't restric or purge don't ever start. If you do have an eating disorder please try and eat something or get help or something. Please. Also I'm making this story up as I go and it's probably gonna be sh*t


	2. tumblr and rice cakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm just making this up as I go. It was originally going to be bughead in this, but I'm a lonely pan/ace and I'm crushing on this girl, so now my gay is showing. Idk if this counts as a trigger but... TRIGGER WARNING: CALORIE COUNTING

Current weight:139lbs

Lowest weight: 122lbs

Goal weight: 100lbs

Breakfast: coffee, 3 calories

Lunch: 2 rice cakes, 60 calories

Dinner: 2 egg whites, 40 calories

Total calories: 103

Calories burned: 720

Caloric defict: -1,617 calories

Kevin typed, sharing yesterdays food intake with his tumblr following. He jumped when he heard a knock on his door and quickly opened another tab on his computer. "Kev?" His dad asked "your friends are here." 

"'Kay. I'll be down in a sec," he said. He hit 'post' after his dad closed his door and walked down stairs to see Betty and Veronica standing there holding hands. 

"Ronnie and I are having a little 1 year aniversery of the day we met, at pop's" Betty said looking at the dark haired girl affectionetly. They were so godd*mned cute together. Why can't I have a boyfreind like that Kevin thought. He internally groaned at himself he was so lonely and so gay. "Jug invited everyone else, but we wanted to come see you"

"There might be some cute gay guy there," Veronica said.

"I don't kn-" Kevin started

"Come  _on,_ Kevin." 

"You don't have to go, Kev," Betty said, gentally. "But it'd be really nice if you did." She had this pleading look in her eyes that reminded Kevin of a kicked and starving puppy asking for leftovers, he couldn't say no."

Fine." He sighed, causing Betty to perk up instantaniously. "I'll go."


	3. Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevins planing a 48 hour fast, trying to lose 10+ pounds in 2 days for Betty and Veronica's aniversery. In this chapter we get a peak into the anorexic mind.

Betty and Veronica's aniversery was 2 days from today and Kevin wanted to be at least 10 pounds lighter. Yesterdays caloric defict made him lose 4 pounds so he had to have a defict of -2,021 calories per day. That's not so bad, he thought. The average person burns 1,000 calories a day just from doing desk work so he really only had to burn 1,021 calories and if he spaced it out and stayed hydrated and caffinated enough he should be able to do it. He logged into tumblr from his phone.

_Current weight: 135lbs_

_Lowest weight: 122lbs_

_Goal weight: 100lbs_ Kevin typed. He updated his tumblr daily, telling his following what he ate, if he ate, if he managed to stick to his meal plan, if he binged and/or purged, reblogged thinspo ect.

_Breakfast: green tea(ew), 10 calories_

_Snack 1: 1/2 a rice cake, 15 calories_

_Lunch: 1/2 a rice cake, 15 calories_

_Snack 2: 1 1/4 cup cucumbers, 30 calories_

_Dinner: 1 egg white, 20_

_Total: 90 calories_

_Burned : 300 calories_

_Caloric defecit: -1,210 calories_

_3 days binge free!!! I'm going on a 48 hour fast! Only water and black coffee for the next 2 days!_ The logical part of Kevins brain knew this wasn't right. He should be consuming 1,500- 2,500 calories a day, or at least enough so that he didn't have to try to go to sleep with his stoamch feeling like it's eating it's self. He curled into a fetal position trying to lessen his huger pains just enough so that it would be bareable not enough so that it would be unnoticable. He liked hunger, it made him feel like he was doing okay, this is what being beautiful must feel like,  he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please keep in mind anorexia/restictive eating is EXTREAMLY dangerous and potentally fatal. You have to lie to those around you and knowingly destory yourself I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
> 
> Update on my life: I binged(and actually didn't purge) today but for some reason I light headed, dizzy and can't concentrate. I tried drinking water, sleeping resting, but nothings worked so I have to eat agian and I want to kill myself :)


	4. I hate myself so now Kevin hates himself. That's how it works, b*tches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin and Betty go shoping for her and Veronica's aniversery party but Kevin just can't find anything he looks good in. This is just a filler chapter idek why I wrote it. Especially because it's four a.m. but, yeah(top notch writing skill, I know)

_Current weight: 130 lbs_

_Lowest weight: 122 lbs_

_Goal weight: 100 lbs_

_Breakfast: black coffee, 0 calories, 1 liter of water_

_'Snack': 0.5 liters of water, 0.5 liters of tea, 1 calorie_

_Lunch: 1 stick sugar free gum, 3.5 calories, 1 liter of water_

_Dinner: diet cherry cola, 0 calories, 0.5 liters of water_

_Total: 4.5 calories_

_Burned: 1,025 calories_

_Total caloric defict: -2,021.5 calories_ "Hey, Kev?" Kevin hit 'post' and looked up from his phone "What do you think of this outfit?" She said, holding up a lavender button-up top and a white denim mini skirt. Yes, a bit clichê, going shopping with your gay best friend, but he didn't like shopping  _because_ he was gay. He was just a guy that liked shopping and it just so happend he was gay.

"It'll look great on you, B" he said with sincerity, trying to keep the jealousy out of his voice. Everything looks great on Betty. She tried it on but when she came out of the dressing room the skirt was to big. "It's a shame, it looked great on you," she muttered the closest thing to cursing that you could hear from Betty(at least in a situation like this)

"They're out of size 4's" 

"Wait here, B" he said. He grabbed a yellow halter top and a black skirt "try this on," he said handing it to her. She tried on the outfit and it fit perfectly.

"Okay, now we've got to find you something." Oh, sh*t, Kevin thought. She's gonna she how fat I am.

"Do I have to?" 

"We wouldn't want you to meet your future husband wearing sweats, would we?" She joked "come on, Kev. You used to love shopping," then I realized how fat I am, he didn't say this out loud though. He grabbed the largest green sweater and navy button down and quickly put it on in the dressing room not bothering to look in the mirror. Why look when you know you won't like what you see. "Kev," Betty said "what size is that? It's, like, 4 sizes to big." He ended up getting the shirts in a medium as opposed to the xxxl he tried on before. Betty had to carry the bags since Kevin was begining to feel the effects of his half-way through 48 hour fast he just told her he was really tierd. Betty drove Kevin home, he thanked her and walked up the stairs gripping onto the railing for support, having to stop half way up to catch his breath and stop seeing spots in his eyes. He flopped on his bed and closed his eyes wishing for sleep that did not come untill much later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am by no means saying that thinner is better, as long as you take care of yourself you're beautiful to me. I am a size 2-8(depending on the store) and I'm not healthy(mentally or physically), I'm healthier than when I was a childs size 16- women's size 4 bit not as healthy as when I was a size 4-10. ( I'm 5'6 with a medium to large frame I should be between 122-140(keep in mind this is for me specifically) and eating 1,300- 2,000 calories a day. Opossed to the 580 max I allow myself) a persons size doesn't matter as long as they take care of themselves. Please take care of yourself, fren.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin binges before the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, something I'd like to put out there is that eating disorders are different for everyone. Some people with ED's are overweight, some are underweight, some you wouldn't ever think they have an ED(myself for exemple, I'm 5'5.75 and 130.5 lbs, on the chubbier side of healthy) some want to be average weights, some(like myself) want to be unheathly underweight(my goal weight is 95-80 lbs), some are in denial about having one, others know and our trying to recover, others(like myself) are content in slowly dying, some count calories(me) others count fat or carbs or sugar. For a lot of people with EDs they see themselves as over weight, not just think they are, look in the mirror and see an overweight person. For me it's like the definition of fat changes but only for myself. I look in the mirror and see myself as you would, but you would probably think of me as someone at a healthy weight, I think of myself as fat. Kevin's ED is based on my own and might not apply to everyone. Also TRIGGER WARNING: binging, trying to purge with fingers, sucssesfully puring with a toothbrush(for some reason I don't get trigged in storys wher they purge with their fingers. Even though I've tried both types, toothbrush purging is the only one that triggers me)

This is f*cked up, Kevin thought to himself, humans need to eat, food is what gives us nutirents and energy and keeps us heathy. As long as some ones fairly healthy who gives a damn if their skinny. Besides, I think all bodies are beautiful, except my own and that's f*cked up. I need to eat something, Kevin decided. It was 2 hours before Betty and Veronica's party and he hadn't eaten in 2 days. 49 hours 3 minutes and 56 seconds to be exact, he stopped his fasting app, it was essentially just a timer. In a moment of spontanesous urges to recover he deleted the app from his phone. I don't need to force myself to eat more than I can handle, his internal monolauge reasoned, as Kevin put 4 egg whites, just the whites(60-80 calories the calculator in his head added against his will), in a pan. He felt full after the egg whites, he hated it. He kept eating anyways, stop his mind screamed at him to stop but he couldn't. Like his mind kept telling his body what to do but it simply wouldn't do as instructed. About 40 minutes later the binging stopped. Oh god, what did he do. He ran in to his bathroom and looked at himself. His stoamch was rounder, and stuck out more than before. sh*t, he thought he was  _just_  begining to be able to see his ribs. In a panic he turned on the water, leaned over his toilet and stuck his fingers down his throat trying to vomit out all the calories he ate. Nothing came out, it hurt like a b*tch though. He leaned against the toilet trying not to cry when he saw his tooth brush out of the cornner of his eye.

————

He purged. He binged and purged, and he promised he would never do it agian, he hated breaking promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, next chapter he'll finally go to the party. I feel like I tried to make a lot happen in the two day time frame I gave and it doesn't work within two days, idk. Critisim would be great, constructive or mean idgaf.  
> Update on this potato's life: I sat with my rexie friend in history, she was actually the one who taught me how to purge, and it was really toxic but also really 'great'. Like, there was this documentary we were watching in class and it said that these guys ate around 6,000 calories a day and we would both exchange looks of fear and compare calorie limits. We also would talk about how we were dreading Halloween and Thanksgiving(I live in America) and Christmas(even though we're both athiests) and talk about binges, and goal weights, and how sh*tty her therapist is and how sh*tty mine was and how we hid our EDs and the fact that our parents always try to watch us when we eat but we got our seats moved and I in between this girl that always offers me food and this guy that calls me 'babe' even though I don't know him. Also I binged again(it was actually not THAT bad for me,it was 780 calories, usually my binges are 1,000- 5,00 calories) so know I'm going on a 48-96 hour fast. Wish me luck! Or tell me I'm f*cked up and killing myself idc bc idgaf if I die:)


	6. Chapter 6

If you had told Kevin he was going to binge he would've belived you(and then steared clear of the kitchen) but if you told him he was going ro binge  **and** purge,  **before his best friend and her girlfriend's party** he  **might've**  called you a liar, but more likely mentally cussed himself out and fall into a pit if depression where he feels starvation is the only antidote. His running timer rang interrupting his inner monolauge. He'd been on the treadmill in his basement for an hour and a half. He only gave himself 15 minuets to get ready, he'd be cutting it close but he thinks he can make it. He tried to walk up the stairs but ended up doing some half-walk half-run thing do to exhaustion he hoped in the shower, a cold one because he'd read that shivering burned calories. ** _\---(a/n: this is actually very dangerous and you could pass out, please don't do this(I know that cold showers are dangerous but I'm not sure about shivering in general, hence why I'm typing this with shaking hands while lying on my bathroom floor half-naked with the window open in 40 degree F weather, but whatever,wouldn't recommend))---_**  He made sure to wash all the sweat off his face and body and stepped out of the icy water. Drying himself off Kevin looked in the mirror. Better, he thought, not good or even okay, but better.

_____

When Kevin got to the party he was a bundle of nerves. He'd brushed his teeth but they still tasted like vomit, he'd put concealer on to hide his sunken in eyes but to him he still looked like sh*t _ **\---(I bet to them your name is cheap. I bet to them you look like shi-( P!ATD)). ---**_ "Kevin!" He turned his head in the direction of the voice and saw Betty and Veronica sharing a milk shake while Archie tried to put his arm around Jughead, Jughead immediately pushing his arm away. Jughead was good at hiding he emotions, but any one could see he was enjoying the attention. There was another boy there to. With shoulder length, slicked back hair and icy blue eyes and kevin was not going to lie, he was hot. Really, f*cking hot. Kevin hadn't realized he was staring until Jughead cleared his throat.

"Kevin, this is Joaquin-"

"Veronica! Betty!" A voice behind them said. It was Cheryl followed by her girlfriend(Kevin's not sure about her name Toni, is what comes to mind though but he's not sure). The pair sat down in the last empty seat in the booth, Cheryl sitting almost fully on her girlfriends lap. 

"Cheryl," Betty said the friendliness she's trying to portray not quite reaching her face. "I didn't know Jug invited you."

"He didn't, I guess he forgot. But we couldn't pass up a party. I'm kinda wishing we did though, it's rather bland here." She responded in her unapologetically b*tchy manner.

"Oh, you." The attractive guy, Joaquin, said. "Sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"Kevin." He said. Joaquin smirked, Kevin thought he would drop dead right then and there.

"I like it. Do you wanna sit down?" he said. Kevin looked around, there were a few vacant chairs but they were really far away. Joaquin seemed to notice this, "you could sit on my lap," he offered, as if it was a normal everyday thing to say "I don't mind," Kevin blushed at sat down. He swore he was dreaming, Betty gave him a knowing smile. "No homo." Kevin faltered. Toni laughed.

"Joaquin, you are the gayest man alive. I don't think you can do anything without even a little bit of homo,"

"No, I think that title goes to Kevin. I'm pretty sure he's thinking about guys 24/7," Veronica said. Everyone laughed a bit. Guys and food he thought to himself. Oh, sh*t. He forgot he was sitting on Joaquin's lap, I'm probably crushing him he thought. He leaned forward, trying to shift some of his weight to his feet. The waiter brought them they're food. A vanilla shake for Betty and Ronnie to share, and a burger each for the boys(kevin excluded). Jughead and Joaquin got fries as well. Joaquin leaned forward to get his fries, reaching around Kevin. It was almost as if he had his arms around the taller boy.

"Why so tense, preppy?" Joaquin said in a low enough voice so that only Kevin could hear. Kevin just played with his hands. "Come with me for a second preppy," he lead them to a kinda hidden away corner of pop's he suddenly grabs his shirt and presses him against the wall kissing him hard. Something feels different about the way he's kissing him then all the other guys he'd kisses. They made out for a few moments before Kevin pulled away.

"As much as I'm loving this, and believe me I am, we should head back." Joaquin pressed his lips back against Kevin's before pulling away. "Can I see you phone?" Joaquin handed it to him. "This is my number. Use it."

"Kevin Keller? Like Sheriff Keller?"

"Is that a problem?"

"Only if this is." He said rolling up his sleve. Showing Kevin his serpent tattoo. Kevin hesitated.

"I won't tell, if you won't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, this is so bad. I'm sorry to whoever is reading this also I didn't mean for everyone to be queer, they just are. Kevin and Joaquin are gay, obviously, Betty is pan, Veronica and Toni are bi, Archie's homoflexable and Jughead is a demibiromantic(romantic attraction to two or more genders only after a emotional relationship is formed)asexual bc asexual jughead is my religion. Also, not sure about Jarchie should it be Archie just flirting with Jug and him shutting him down each time or Jug and Archie falling for each other cause idk.


	7. I've been hiding from this bc I haven't been restricting just binging and I felt like a fake Ana but I just remembered I👏 don't 👏give👏 a👏 f*ck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really sh*tty, really short, half of it's a a/n/conspiracy theory that this fic is being written by Satan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup' f*ckers IM BAAAAAAACK. I've been binging non-stop since Thanksgiving and I'm just starting to get back to starving and over exercising again.  
> Thanksgiving f*cking sucked btw

Kevin had known Joaquin for 3 months now and he still wasn't sure what they were. F*ckbuddies?boyfriends? friends? What he did know however was that he loved talking with him, and Joaquin treated him the same way at his lowest weight, which happened to be his current weight 119(A/N: 119 is 9/11 backwards. 9/11 happened when a terrorist crashed a plane in to the twin towers. There are 6 letters in 'a plane' , there are six letters in 'towers' and there where two of them to that's two sixs. You put of it together and that's 666 which proves that this story is being written by Satan. Illumanati confirmed) as the did at his highest weight 140 and he got concerned when Kevin denied food and his kisses are what kept him alive. That the icy blue of Joaquin's eyes was now Kevins favorite color. And that Joaquin would be the f*cking death of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeet, doin' a 2 day fast probably gonna die lmao.  
> Also my mom friend found out about my ED but it's not that bad bc she's not educated on the subject and thinks it's an unserious crash diet that I started this year as opposed to a serious mental illness that could kill me and leave permanent damage on my body even if I recover that I developed in the 6th-7th grade lol.
> 
> The next chapter will be more interesting I swear.


	8. anouncement+life update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -not part of the fic just an anouncement-  
> tw; ed mentions, per usual

so a couple things

  1. i might leave this fic unfinished bc i stopped watching riverdale ages ago, i boycotted it bc i got sick of the queer baiting and sexuality erasure(jughead being ace was the whole reason i started watching riverdale bc i was so excited that there was going to be someone like me on tv, i thought that i should still watch it in the hopes of change/my enjoyment of the plot but no, sir) as well as losing interest in the plot + finding it hard to follow in season 2, i can finish it if it's in high demand tho but no one rlly cares tbh
  2. my ed is still v alive and i'm fatter than ever
  3. i've admitted it to some of my frens(my ed)
  4. i've realized that differnt types of fandoms have diffrent types of ed fics, i read a lot of bandom, bandom guys and gals are quite ana(with a lil side mia usually). tv fandoms are typically ednos/binge/mia, in that kinda realm so apologies to riverdale fans looking for that typs of stuff



prolly bye then, it's been fun


End file.
